january 18, 2014

“The past doesn’t exist except as a memory, a mental story, and though past events aren’t changeable, your stories about them are. You can act now to transform the way you tell the story of your past, ultimately making it a stalwart protector of your future.” ~ Martha Beck

snow angel

You know how there are times when things line up just so? When factors conspire to point to a singular moment, or feeling? Most people call it coincidence, but for me when this happens, especially to the extreme I’ve experienced today, it goes beyond simple coincidence. I believe in the power of the forces we cannot see; in God, the great creator; in our ancestors whose spirit and energy guide us, and watch over us. I believe in the goodness of those around us who wish us happiness and success with nothing but love in their hearts; whose very thoughts of us manifest into goodwill for us. These metaphysical collusions are not coincidence to me, but messages.

This particular instance actually started last Sunday during a conversation with Kiya Heartwood and Jonathan Durno, my band mates from Stealin Horses. Kiya mentioned a documentary called Hit So Hard about Hole drummer Patty Schemel, and how circumstances in the music business caused her to basically lose her mind and become a homeless heroine addict (thankfully, she’s okay now). Jon then related a similar story about a drummer he was very close to. Faced with the same musical circumstances these drummers faced, I began to wonder why they suffered breakdowns, but I didn’t.

By Monday afternoon I found myself taking stock of my day job for some unclear reason. I admire our mission. I enjoy contributing to the greater good. On the other hand, I’ve basically gone from being the captain of a national ship, to the cook on a docked boat. Believe it or not, I’ve been perfectly at peace in this role. Nobody eats unless there’s a cook, and it’s in no way a role to be ashamed of. Yet, it has been the singular backward motion in a life that is, in all other respects, moving forward at light speed. As the week wore on I found myself increasingly out of sorts, until I realized this scenario bears some similarities to my experience in the music business.

So, I’ve been asking myself all week; ‘why don’t I break?’

I awoke to sunshine and light snow. I looked out my kitchen window to see the angel in the photo. She’s a happy reminder of my grandmother. I was drawn to photograph her. Because I choose quotes for the outhouse days in advance, their parallel to the daily photo and/or my sentiment is often surprising. Given my conscious, and subconscious, inner monologue this week, it’s little wonder today’s quote struck a chord, or that I saved it….or that it came from Kiya. Then, in the midst of writing the outhouse, I stopped to read a post about Kiya and myself by my longtime friend, writer, and actor David DeWitt. “They had setbacks after Stealin Horses hit its financial wall, but that didn’t stop them — not a bit, ” he said. (He said other things that touched me so deeply I had myself a good cry…but I digress.)

What I’ve come to understand this week is that my family, and the fearless spiritual faith they instilled in me, has everything to do with how I survived relatively intact. There has never been a single moment when I doubted if God and the universe had my back. You’re not born with that level of faith as far as I know. We don’t get everything in life we want. People don’t always treat us kindly. The family – mom, dad, mamaw – they told me these things would happen, and they did. They also told me that when the Lord closes a door, s/he opens a window somewhere, and to pray for people who mistreat us, for they need it the most. They armed me not with education or guns or money, but with faith; faith in God; faith in myself; faith in the goodness and mercy of my fellow man, and faith in the fact that there are things greater than ourselves in this life and the next. Faith was the one skill I needed most to survive, and wisdom along the way to find souls who were true, lifelong friends like Kiya, Jon, and David. People who share their hearts and minds, creative spirits and bottomless love. A woman as rich in friends and family such as these cannot be broken no matter what.

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